Me and My Star

Oh my goodness. I see a repeat of the last time coming on. Prepare to have the last two answers with-held. 

4) What do you think about most? 

I’m pretty sure the answer would be the future. I have so many plans, desires, goals… the future pretty much consumes my thoughts. I often worry that I may be sacrificing the present for the future, but I think being aware of that danger is a good step in preventing it.

11) Do you have any strange phobias? 

Only one that I can think of: getting blood drawn. I’ve had thick painful shots pumped in to me, had sedatives shot inside my inner cheek, had an IV stuck in the delicate vessels on the back of my hand and have handled all of them like a champ. But if the nurse comes with the smallest baby needle to get a little blood… I freak. Of course, I try very hard to have no reaction— but it’s very hard to conceal. I’ll put on a brave face, but afterwards I’m noticeably white and dizzy and by the time we get away from the public eye, I’m shaking and bawling like a baby. There’s a story behind it, but I fear I’m getting wordy.

17) What was the last lie you told? 

As a rule, I don’t really tell lies, but occasionally I’ll tell a white lie to get people to leave me alone. A couple days ago I told my grandparents the air conditioning was broken to get them to delay their visit by a day, but alas— the white lie only delayed the inevitable. Now they’re both in my house, voraciously watching Nancy Grace and the Home Shopping Network while somehow managing to shoot me disapproving looks as I type away at my laptop. Oh, and they decided to stay an extra day. Oh, joy.

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? 

Weakness: Oh gosh, there are so many to choose from. Perhaps it’s the simultaneous and baffling combination of arrogance and insecurity? Or maybe it’s my utter lack of social skills which hinders me the most? Who knows.

Strength: It’s not really like me to evaluate my good qualities, but after some thought I think my strength may be resilience. I’ve traveled to many places, seen many things, and I’ve always been able to adapt. I get into depressions, but I don’t let myself stay there long. I’m determined to go on, nothing will stop me.

26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become? 

I don’t really have a black and white answer for this question. I don’t see myself as someone who has become. I see myself as someone who is becoming, and who hopefully will always be becoming. I am a work in progress, and if I have my way, I will always be that way. I will never be completely happy with myself— I will never be a perfect being, but that doesn’t mean I ever don’t like myself, either. I am, we all are, very mutable beings. We should not ever believe that we have to or even can be the same person forever. I’m not happy with myself— I’m not satisfied to stay the way I am now forever, but I’m not unhappy either. I’ve come a  long way, and I have a long way yet to go.

27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? 

Hate: A baby crying in a quiet waiting room, and the audible buzz of tension and annoyance radiating off of the other people sitting silently on cheap plastic benches, pretending to read People magazine.

Love: The distant sound of morning news and the low accompanying murmur of conversation and laughter from behind a closed door and under a cool sheet; the sound you hear early on Christmas morning while you debate leaving the confines of your bed to grab a sizzling strip of bacon or a mug of coffee you can hear brewing in the background.

32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to? 

 I haven’t really been to that many terrible places. When I went to Bangkok, there were horrible scenes of homeless families living on the street, legless men begging for change, obviously underage girls selling their bodies, and mangy dogs dying in the street. Saying that, I would go again in a heartbeat. The culture, the vibrancy, the sheer force of life there— it’s amazing. Misery is a part of life— just because Bangkok can be a miserable, sad place doesn’t make it a “bad” place— Bangkok is the unvarnished truth of life that many Americans never get to see. I wouldn’t measure the value of a place by it’s cleanliness, poverty rate, crime rate, or whatever. I would measure the value of a place by its beauty, its adventure, its honesty, its diversity… that being said, the worst place I’ve ever been in probably a suburb I used to live in. And it isn’t even deserving of the word “worst”. It’s tasteless, just another development filled with cookie cutter houses and strip malls. It’s utterly average, boring, and a delusion. The suburbs don’t reflect reality, they have no beauty or adventure. They’re places to “escape” to. I’ll be lucky if I can escape from suburbia for the rest of my life.

35) To you, what is the meaning of life? 

Oh god, this question. I don’t know. Does there have to be a meaning? I don’t always do things for a reason, or for a meaning— sometimes things have meanings within themselves. Can’t the meaning of life just be to live? I live because it’s all I’ve ever known, and to die would be to dive prematurely into the inevitable unknown. I don’t need a god to give my life a purpose or meaning, either— The purpose of my life is life, and that’s all I can say.

68) What do you think is Satan’s last name? 

If he existed, I imagine it would be something sinister and strange— something that, upon seeing it, you could hardly think of how to pronounce it and yet the sound of it would pop, unbidden, into your mind and roll off your tongue like the lash of a whip. It would sound harsh and foreign, and ominous. What name does all those things? Well, I have no idea.

72 and 81

My answers haven’t changed yet.

89) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? 

Probably something like “What is your worst memory?” I don’t feel comfortable talking about things like that openly. 

99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? 

Oh god— too much pressure. I wish I could think of something really deep and meaningful to say, but let’s face it— there’s no way I could come up with something like that on my toes and even if I could think of something halfway meaningful, it’d probably come off sounding cheesy and meaningless. Besides, most of the world wouldn’t be able to understand what I was saying.